In an unexpected twist, the Philippines’ skin whitening industry, long a titan of the beauty market, has reported a drastic decline in sales after last Wednesday’s crowning of Chelsea Manalo, the first half-Black Filipina to win Miss Universe Philippines. 

As the country celebrates its new beauty queen, operators of tanning salons have been overwhelmed by a surge in customers seeking the radiant, sun-kissed complexion epitomized by Manalo.

“We’re struggling to meet demand,” said one overwhelmed tanning salon owner. “It’s like everyone suddenly realized melanin is in vogue.”

Meanwhile, skin whitening product manufacturers are scratching their heads. “We never saw this coming,” admitted one executive. “Who knew self-acceptance could be so bad for business?”

As Filipinos flock to tanning salons, experts predict a cultural shift. The beauty industry, ever adaptable, is already launching new campaigns celebrating “bronze is beautiful.”

In a spectacular display of mental gymnastics, pro-Duterte supporters have concocted yet another dazzling conspiracy theory to undermine the Marcos administration. This time, the cancellation of the Maisug Prayer Rally in Tacloban City has been spun into an elaborate tale of airline collusion and sinister airport shenanigans.

According to these theorists, airlines are either canceling flights or hiking up fares to sabotage the rally—because, clearly, these businesses prioritize political vendettas over profit margins.

Meanwhile, airport authorities are supposedly limiting operations to deter rally-goers, never mind the long-publicized runway repairs that started in early May.

Perhaps next, Atty. Genn Chong will claim First Lady Liza Marcos ordered cloud-seeding to rain on their parade, though he might struggle against the inconvenient truth of PAGASA’s weather reports.

Such creative storytelling would be more entertaining if it weren’t so detached from reality. Alas, in the theater of politics, some will always prefer fiction to fact.