In a stunning display of self-importance, critics of President Bongbong Marcos have proudly submitted themselves for drug hair follicle testing—an act so unsolicited, it rivals surprise birthday parties thrown by the celebrants themselves. Who, exactly, asked them to do this? Who sat at home, clutching their pearls, thinking, “If only these critics proved their sobriety, the country would be saved!”

Predictably, the results came back negative, leading to self-congratulatory pats on the back, as if this somehow advances national discourse.

Meanwhile, the President, who already clarified that follicle tests have nothing to do with public trust, is probably wondering why his critics are so obsessed with proving something only they questioned in the first place.

At this rate, we can expect them to take polygraphs to prove their honesty, blood tests to confirm they’re still human, and IQ tests—though let’s not get our hopes up on that last one.