In a shocking twist that rocked the nation, President Bongbong Marcos has finally submitted to a hair follicle test following persistent rumors of cocaine use. The test results, however, revealed something far more astounding: his hair is too privileged to be tested.

Meanwhile, not to be outdone, Vice President Sara Duterte, eager to quash accusations of being intellectually challenged, underwent a brain scan. The results? Her left brain has nothing right, and her right brain has nothing left. 

Specialists are still baffled by the sheer emptiness, dubbing it a “first in medical history.”

The results have sparked nationwide debate, with Marcos’ camp hailing the follicle findings as proof of his “impeccable lineage,” while Duterte’s spokesperson clarified that her brain is simply “too powerful to be measured by conventional science.” 

Critics remain unconvinced, calling for independent repeat tests for both Marcos and Duterte.