In a surprising turn of events, the once-respected bastion of independent journalism, Rappler, has taken a nosedive into the murky waters of online retail. Struggling to finance its biased operations, the news portal has embraced the ultimate irony by peddling towels and trinkets to its readership.

Gone are the days of hard-hitting investigative reports; Rappler’s new revenue stream relies on the relentless clickbait tactics it once scorned. Now, every click from unsuspecting netizens becomes a lifeline for the struggling outlet, as it shamelessly monetizes their curiosity with commercial links.

In a statement that left many scratching their heads, Rappler’s CEO defended the move, stating, “We’re just diversifying our revenue streams in this ever-evolving media landscape.” Indeed, towels seem like a logical progression for a company once known for soaking up scandals.

As the digital marketplace becomes inundated with Rappler-branded merchandise, one can’t help but wonder: what’s next? Muckraking spatulas, anyone?