This Conversation Happened Before St. Peter Sent Duterte Back To Earth

San Pedro:  Welcome to the gates of heaven.

Digong: Daghang salamat. This is quite a change from  the gates of hell where I came from.

San Pedro:  I see that you’ve read Dan Brown’s ‘Inferno.’

Digong:  But I’m not really from Manila.  I’m from Davao.  The people there love me because I’ve transformed the city into a paradise.

San Pedro: That’s what I heard.  So, tell me why I should let you in.

Digong:  Well, I cleaned up Boracay Island.  

San Pedro: That’s good.

Digong:  I cleaned up Manila Bay.

San Pedro: Awesome.

Digong: I cleaned up my government from corruption.

San Pedro: Impressive.

Digong: I frequently joke about women and rape.

San Pedro: Hmmm.

Digong: I cursed the Pope.

San Pedro: Hmmmm.

Digong: I cursed Barack Obama

San Pedro: Hmmm.

Digong: I called God a stupid god

San Pedro: Whoa!

Digong: I killed drug dealers and addicts who resisted arrest.

San Pedro: Stop right there.  I think you need to clean up your act.  Go to hell.

Digong: You’re handing me over to Satan?

San Pedro: No, no! What I mean is go back to Manila.

RELATED: Duterte Confirms His Death

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