by Brian Neyra, Senior Geopolitics Correspondent

In a groundbreaking move that has the global community abuzz, the United Nations has announced its grand plan to replace all national IDs with a shiny new global identification system. Say goodbye to your Philippine National ID, folks, because now you’ll be a citizen of the world!

The UN’s audacious proposal promises to unite humanity like never before, under one digital umbrella. No longer will pesky national borders, cultural differences, or even common sense hinder the unstoppable march toward global homogenization. In this brave new world, your identity will be reduced to a mere series of ones and zeros, ensuring you’re just a barcode away from total uniformity.

Imagine a world where the UN knows exactly when you visited the bathroom and what brand of toothpaste you use. This Orwellian utopia will undoubtedly save us from the burden of individuality. Goodbye, diverse cultures and unique national identities; hello, sterile global citizenship!

All hail the UN’s global ID, the ultimate solution to a problem that didn’t exist in the first place.