(The Adobo Chronicles senior geopolitical correspondent Brian Neyra contributed to this report.)

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Adobo Chronicles, Washington Bureau) – In an ostentatious display of economic irony, the U.S. dollar has become so devalued that even Scrooge McDuck would blush at the thought of using it for bribes. 

Reports suggest that Washington insiders are now requiring a new currency for corruption – gold bars. Evidently, the good ol’ green buck just doesn’t cut it anymore in the world of under-the-table dealings. 

Meanwhile, in the Philippines, the U.S. dollar seems to have adopted a side gig as a peso printing machine. Tourists and savvy locals are trading their now seemingly limitless dollars for piles of pesos, turning green paper into a golden opportunity. 

It seems the dollar’s fall from grace is only benefiting paradise seekers and pirates.

No less than Republican Representative Matt Gaetz of Florida confirmed this dire money mess in a privilege speech recently: