SOMETHING HAPPENED IN ONE OF RUSSIAN PRESIDENT PUTIN’S PALACES

One of Putin's Palaces in Lake Valdai
One of Putin’s Palaces in Lake Valdai

Moscow, Russia – As Vladimir Putin’s government continues to come under fire for the recent crackdown on homosexuality in Russia, the Russian president’s  lavish lifestyle is also gaining closer scrutiny.  In addition to private planes and yachts at his disposal, Putin has  20 palaces to spend time in at his beck and call.  One of these palaces is located in Lake Valdai  in the middle of the Valdai Hills in Novgorod Oblast, Russia.

Putin spent last weekend in this grandiose palace which has a cinema, two restaurants and bowling alley.  Eyewitness reports emanating from the palace’s staff of butlers and chambermaids confirmed that while vacationing at the palace, a surreal incident happened.  As Putin was preparing to retire for the evening, he heard some loud music coming from the palace’s cinema.  Putin immediately descended the spiral staircase across from his bedroom and entered the cinema which was located on the ground floor of the two-story south wing of the palace.

What Putin saw shocked him.  It was a film showing composer Peter Tchaikovsky conducting the Moscow Philharmonic Orchestra. The orchestra was playing music from Swan Lake.  As the camera panned to a stage above the orchestra pit,  two male dancers were seen pirouetting and crisscrossing the breadth of the huge stage in what was obviously a scene depicting lovers.  Putin immediately recognized the dancers: an aging Vaslav Nijinsky and a young Rudolf Nureyev.  As the orchestra executed a loud crescendo, the two men kissed and a white transparent curtain quickly dropped in front of the dancers, followed by a text credit projected onto the curtain which read, “Choreographed by Serge Diaghilev.”

Putin, of course, knew that all the characters he saw on the cinema screen, incuding the choreographer, were among Russia’s famous homosexuals.  Eyewitnesses couldn’t tell whether Putin was bothered or amused by the homosexual ghosts.

There is no word from Putin or his press corps on whether this surreal experience would change his mind regarding his controversial policy on homosexuality in Russia.

CLAIROL’S RED HAIR DYE SUPPLY DEPLETED!

imageStamford, Connecticut – Clairol, the largest hair dye company in the U.S., announced today that its inventory of red hair dye has just been depleted and that it is working 24 hours a day to try to meet the sudden surge in orders.

This unusual development came on the heels of a  National Geographic magazine report that less than 2 percent of the world’s population today has natural red hair and that redheads are bound for extinction as early as 2060.  The report cites global intermingling which has brought about this disturbing phenomonenon. Red hair is apparently more subservient in most cases where couples producing offsprings are a mix of redheads and brunettes or blondes.

Warehouse stores like Costco, WalMart and Target account for the bulk of red hair dye orders, according to Clairol. Local beauty salons have also reportedly started hoarding red hair dye, anticipating a great demand in the very near future.

Meanwhile, more and more celebrity redheads are insuring their red hair in anticipation of the impending red hair extinction, among them, Amy Adams, Debra Messing, Julia Roberts, Prince Harry, Conan O’Brien and Ewan McGregor.

HUGE PROTEST AT THE PORT OF SAN FRANCISCO

imageSan Francisco, California – Hundreds of thousands of San Franciscans are expected to gather in front of the Port of San Francisco building on Saturday to protest the new sign recently put up by the San Francisco Ports Authority.

The sign on the facade of the building, just beneath the iconic clock tower, reads “Port of San Fran.” Native San Franciscans — whose numbers are dwindling — as well as those who currently live, or have lived,  in the City by the Bay, have always found certain references to San Francisco extremely offensive.    These references include “San Fran,” “Frisco,” and “Sanfo.”  It’s like calling Los Angeles “Lala Land,” protest organizers said.

The Port’s communications office said that the new sign was put up to make the building marker “more sexy.” ” Besides, most tourists fondly call the city San Fran anyway, so we didn’t see anything wrong with the new sign,” a Ports official whose first name is Fernando, said. “People call me ‘Fern’ all the time, and it doesn’t offend me,” he added.

Meanwhile, residents of a relatively unknown city in Texas, are planning a related protest in front of their City Hall, demanding that “Frisco” be totally dropped from all references to San Francisco. The name of the Texas city is Frisco.

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