Washington, D.C. – Nothing can be more controversial and embarrassing than a public performance of “The Star-Spangled Banner” that has gone awry –from Roseanne Barr’s disrespectful rendition to Christina Aguilera’s mixed-up lyrics to Hillary Clinton’s open mike fiasco.
Experts agree that the U.S. National Anthem is one of the most difficult to sing not only because its lyrics make no utter sense to 9 in 10 Americans, but also because the melody requires someone with a super-stretched vocal range.
A group of citizens has had enough of these embarrassing moments. It has sent a petition to The White House to replace “The Star-Spangled Banner” with Miley Cyrus’ “Party in the USA” The petition, posted in The White House web site, contends that the Cyrus song is much more easy to remember and has a more upbeat melody.
During a surprise visit to The White House press room, President Barack Obama indicated that he is leaning towards making the national anthem change through an Executive Order. Pressed by reporters on why he favors “Party in the USA,” Obama said: “Our national anthem should represent a celebration of our greatness as a nation, our resiliency as a people, and our party attitude which is the hallmark of our social fabric.”
Obama added: “Imagine an American standing atop the Olympic medal stand while our national anthem is played, or being in the bleachers of a packed baseball arena with thousands and thousands of partying fans. It will be quite a riot! That’s what America is all about.”
As of press time, the petition has gained a whopping 1,197 signatures. People can still sign on to the petition through the White House Petitions Web Page.
Detroit-Windsor Tunnel – While the Twitter world was abuzz with ignorant and racist comments about singer Marc Anthony singing “God Bless America” at this week’s Major League Baseball All-Star Game in New York City, something else was going on at the U.S.-Canada border in Detroit, Michigan.
Pop singer Justin Bieber was barred from reentering the United States after spending the night at a downtown Windsor hotel where the teenage idol hosted a lavish but roudy party for some childhood Canadian friends. Bieber, who is a Canadian citizen, was denied re-entry by border patrol agents after they ran his passport through the document scanner. The attending agent was aghast when the scan pulled up a long list of misdemeanors attributed to the singer. The list included a link to the video showing Bieber peeing into a restaurant mop bucket in New York, during which he also sprayed a photo of President Bill Clinton with a cleaning liquid while shouting “F**k Bill Clinton! ” The list also included a Twitter meltdown, erratic driving, illegal drugs found on his tour bus and failure to pay a $1,600 bill he owed an indoor skydiving facility.
The border patrol agent, after consultation with the U.S. border supervisor, stamped Bieber’s passport with a bright pink marking that read “DENIED ENTRY.” Bieber, who was driving a red lamborghini with a special Michigan license plate that bore the letters “IMGOD,” was then asked to turn around and proceed back to Windsor. The U.S. border supervisor told The Adobo Chronicles that the decision to deny Bieber entry into the U.S. was based on discretionary decisions which he is empowered to make under the Department of Homeland Security’s border guidelines and operating procedures. He added that with the long list of misdemeanors attributed to Bieber, it is clear that the singer had no respect for U.S. laws and is an obvious threat to the peace, security and sanity of America.
While Bieber’s attorneys are preparing an appeal letter to Homeland Security, the singer accepted a last-minute invitation to sing “O Canada” at the opening of an all-star basketball game scheduled for Saturday at the Rogers Arena in downtown Vancouver. News of the invitation angered many Canadians who mistakenly thought Bieber was American.
Mason, Ohio – LensCrafters, the nationwide eyeglass chain known for its mantra of “glasses in an hour,” has offered Edward Snowden, the fugitive former employee of a contractor for the National Security Administration who leaked secret damaging documents to the media, a job as an eyeglass model. The Ohio-based company was apparently mesmerized by the photos of Snowden that have appeared in the media worldwide, showing Snowden sporting a stylish pair of eyglasses.
“His good looks with those glasses would make him the perfect eyeglass model for our company,” a spokesperson for LensCrafters told reporters today.
LensCrafters has offered Snowden a deal that would be hard to resist. The company will pay for his first-class airfare from Moscow to Ohio, shoulder all his legal expenses that may result from the espionage charges the U.S. government is preparing to file in court upon his return to the U.S. , and a salary as an eyeglass model that’s twice the compensation he was receiving at the NSA contractor company which fired him.
Snowden said he was seriously thinking about the offer and will make a decision in the next 24 hours. He said he will sleep over it on his sleeping bag at the Moscow airport and will have an announcement about the offer by 9am, Moscow time, right after he has had his cup of Starbucks coffee.