Sochi, Russia – Russian President Vladimir Putin was arrested Sunday night for violating his own government’s laws prohibiting the public display of homosexuality.
The arrest came shortly after the Russians won the gold medal in the team skating competition, beating out Canada and the United States. Putin, who was in the audience all evening, rushed to the athletes’ stand and embraced the handsome Evgeni Plushenko.
Putin was booked but later released after making a public apology. “I just could not contain myself, ” he said, “and I am really sorry for bringing embarassment to Russia.”
Chicago, Illinois – America’s Finest News Source is proposing a merger with Your Source of Up-to-date Unbelievable News.
The Chicago-based The Onion has offered to absorb the international operations of the Silicon Valley-based The Adobo Chronicles for $2 Million. The Onion, which started its Internet operations in 1988, boasts of a monthly viewership of 11 Million. The Adobo Chronicles, on the other hand, started just nine months ago and is now enjoying an average monthly viewership of 1 Million.
Investors for The Onion see a great potential to increase its worldwide viewership by merging with The Adobo Chronicles.
The Adobo Chronicles has assembled a team of lawyers and investment analysts to study the merger proposal. The name of the merged company is obviously a sticky issue, with both media outlets wanting to retain their respective names. Ironically, the names of both companies have to do with food: onion being a widely-used vegetable for cooking and adobo being the national dish of the Philippines.
Negotiators on either side have, however, agreed on the tagline for the merged company: “Your Finest Source of Up-to-Date Unbelievable World News.” A great start in the negotiations.
Media mergers and buyouts are becoming more and more common but this proposed merger is different in that it has nothing to do with either company’s financial challenges. Rather it is seen as great potential for expansion and viewership.
Sochi, Russia – American figure skater Ashley Wagner took to the ice Saturday to skate to the music of Pink Floyd’s “Shine On You Crazy Diamond,” during the team ladies short program. After weeks of being in the media spotlight because of criticism regarding her being on the U.S. Olympic team, Wagner was focused on one thing and one thing only: to keep the U.S. in contention for a medal in the team figure skating competition.
Then the unexpected happened. When the music played, it wasn’t Pink Floyd at all. It was Russian composer Sergei Rachmaninoff’s “Piano Concerto No. 3.” Apparently, the Russians wanted to sabotage Team U.S.A., sending armed government agents to the sound control booth at the Iceberg Skating Palace. They ordered the sound technician to replace Wagner’s music with the Russian classic.
To her coach’s and teammates’ surprise, Wagner started her routine as if she was skating to her original chosen music. It paid off quite well. Wagner received a composite score of 63.10, skating a clean program and assuring the U.S. team a solid third place going into the finals.
Something may have gone wrong, but Wagner made it right!