Sarangani, Philippines – While the Filipino people were still celebrating Manny Pacquiao’s victory over American Brandon Rios in last Saturday’s title fight in Macau, China, the Pinoy boxing champ has already set foot in the Haiyan typhoon-ravaged region of the Philippines, ready to personally provide relief to calamity victims using his own funds.
There was one problem. A Philippine court has frozen billions of pesos in Pacquiao’s bank accounts. The reason: the Bureau of Internal Revenue (BIR), the Philippine counterpart of the U.S. Internal Revenue Service (IRS), wants to see the original receipts to prove that the boxer paid taxes on his prize earnings.
The BIR, which has the distinct honor of consistently being voted the most corrupt government entity in the Philippines, seems to believe that the IRS issues “original receipts” for paid or withheld taxes like the ones customers get when they purchase items from a grocery store.
Both HBO and boxing promoter Top Rank have indicated that taxes were duly withheld from payments made to Pacquiao and subsequently electronically remitted to the IRS. But a statement from the BIR said, ” Well, we haven’t had our share of the pie.”
Upon learning of Pacquiao’s predicament, international fans of the boxer — individuals and companies alike — immediately set up a special relief fund for the boxer so that he can fulfill a promise he made earlier to personally help those affected by the super typhoon. As of this writing, the Manny Pacquaio Relief Fund has raised Two Million Dollars which is equivalent to over Eighty Million Philippine pesos. Offcials at the BIR are reportedly fuming because by law, they cannot touch a single centavo of funds designated for relief.
Double taxation has made a double champion of Pacquiao!
Oslo, Norway – A special Nobel Prize was announced today by the board of governors of this annual international award-giving body. The recipient: the Philippines’ Department of Trade and Industry (DTI) . This once-in-a-blue-moon award is given to an individual or entity that comes up with and implements an above par humanitarian idea leading to the relief of citizens and countries in need, especially those affected by severe natural disasters.
The only other time the special humanitarian prize was awarded was in 1913 – exactly 100 years ago — but no record exists on who received that award. The very first Nobel awards were given out in 1901. It is believed that an intern working for the Nobel organization in 1913 misplaced the records.
DTI was awarded the humanitarian prize for its brilliant idea to help Filipinos in many provinces in Central Philippines who were left homeless and hungry in the aftermath of the strongest typhoon ever to make landfall anywhere in history. Billed “Diskwento Caravan” (Discount Caravan), the DTI project offered basic goods at discounted prices, including bottled water, canned goods, coffee, milk, noodles, rice, biscuits, bread, condiments and personal care products. DTI regional director for Central Visayas Asteria Caberte said that through the caravans, the department is helping replenish local supply of goods to stabilize the situation in those provinces.
Asked by The Adobo Chronicles why there was a need to “sell” the goods to the typhoon victims when millions of cash and donated items have been pouring in from all over the world to help with typhoon relief, DTI said “We work independently from private relief agencies or the local governments. We are only concerned with our own project and it is in addition to what relief operations are already out there.” It added: “We are proud of what we’re doing to help our countrymen in need, while making a little money ourselves to boost our department’s discretionary funds.”
The special Nobel medal will be given out at a special ceremony in Oslo on Christmas eve.
Washington D.C. – The Washington Redskins. Sushi chef Halloween costume. A Michigan-based punk band named Crucifucks. And now, Katy Perry’s American Music Awards performance. The Tea Party has had it. It thinks political correctness in the U.S. has gone over the top.
At an emergency meeting this morning, the Tea Party faction of the Republican Party proposed a legislation that would permanently outlaw any form of political correctness in this country. “We need to banish ‘PC’ from the face of the earth,” a Tea Party statement said, adding that ” political correctness is bad for business and is inconsistent with the American mantra of “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Can anyone ever have free speech?”
The last straw for the Tea Party legislators came last night after the televised opening number by Katy Perry at the American Music Awards. She performed the song “Unconditionally” dressed in traditional Geisha dress — except for the slits– surrounded by similarly -clad dancers waving giant fans and twirling paper umbrellas.
Twitterworld was immediately bombarded with cries of “racism” and “utter insensitivity.” Not all comments were negative, though. One Japanese twitterer said, “I am not offended. In fact I am honored! Katy loves Japan and the Japanese people love her.”
The proposed legislation is scheduled to be filed when Congress reconvenes after the Thanksgiving holiday weekend. This gives everyone one last chance to post or tweet offensive turkey jokes.