Mountain View, California – Will 2014 prove to be a banner year for American fugitive Edward Snowden? Mr. Snowden is now living in Russia, on the run from American charges of espionage and theft relating the National Security Agency top secret leaks.
First, The New York Times Editorial Board published an op-ed piece calling for an offer of clemency or plea bargain for Mr. Snowden, considering the value of his leaks and the N.S.A. abuse he has exposed.
Now, the country’s premier tech company Google is reportedly in secret negotiations with Snowden, offering him a hefty-paying position in Mountain View upon his return to the U.S.
The Adobo Chronicles has learned that Google has hit a snag and plateau in terms of the marketing of its much-ballyhooed product, the Google Glass. “Obviously, we needed a recognizable and controversial face to model our product, and what could be a better choice than Snowden,” said Google CEO Larry Page. “He’s also easy on the eyes, and the Google Glass fits perfectly on the well-defined contours of his face,” Page added.
Analysts, however, suspect that having Mr. Snowden be the model for the Google Glass is just a front, and that Google’s real intention is to make Snowden the chief of its Internet Surveillance Department which would monitor any secret or unauthorized intrusion by the N.S.A. into Google’s data system.
Quezon City, Philippines – In her first legislative proposal for the year 2014, Representative Imelda Marcos (2nd district, Ilocos Norte) has authored a bill that would rename the Philippines to Queens Islands.The proposed bill is premised on the Philippines’ extraordinary performance in major international beauty pageants in 2013. The country of more than 7,100 islands has produced 4 international beauty queens last year: Miss World, Miss Supranational, Miss International and Miss Tourism International. The Philippines also won fourth place in the 2013 Miss Universe Pageant. This extraordinary feat has prompted international beauty pageant organizers to ban the Philippines from competing in the next several years.
“Beauty is inherent in the Filipino people,” the former Philippine First Lady said, “and renaming our country to Queens Islands will give us more widespread recognition in the world community.”
Marcos was a former beauty queen herself, having won the titles of “Rose of Tacloban,” “Miss Leyte,” and “Muse of Manila,” in the mid-1950’s. In 1974, as First Lady, she was able to secure the Miss Universe Pageant to be held in Manila for the first time ever.
Pasadena, California – A San Diego woman is calling for a boycott of the popular Pasadena Rose Parade because two men from Los Angeles are scheduled to be married on a float called “Love is the Best Protection.” The cake-shaped float is being sponsored by The AIDS Healthcare Foundation to help raise awareness of HIV infection in the gay community.
Aubrey Loots, 42, and his partner Danny Leclair, 45, will tie the knot as nearly 68 million people watch, which will mark the first time a same-sex couple marries during the Rose Parade’s 125-year history. The men, who have been dating for 12 years, won the opportunity after they entered a contest at a wedding expo in October.
The woman, Karen Grube, believes the float should be removed from the New Year’s parade. She’s gone as far as to call corporate sponsors to gain their support in case the wedding goes as planned. Grube has also created a Facebook page called “Boycott the 2014 Rose Parade” to get others on her side.
As a compromise, parade organizers have agreed to build a second float on which a heterosexual couple will seek a divorce before a judge in front of the same 68 million people. Grube said she is pleased with the compromise and will herself lead a group of volunteers to build the “divorce float.”
The Adobo Chronicles has learned that the divorce float will be sponsored by Chick-Fil-A, with additional funding support from the Westboro Baptist Church. Parade organizers have also extended the invitation to the Robertson Family of Duck Dynasty to grace the float as the featured celebrities.
As of press time, 3,599 heterosexual couples have applied to be selected to undergo the divorce proceedings atop the Rose Parade float.