Mason, Ohio – LensCrafters, the nationwide eyeglass chain known for its mantra of “glasses in an hour,” has offered Edward Snowden, the fugitive former employee of a contractor for the National Security Administration who leaked secret damaging documents to the media, a job as an eyeglass model. The Ohio-based company was apparently mesmerized by the photos of Snowden that have appeared in the media worldwide, showing Snowden sporting a stylish pair of eyglasses.
“His good looks with those glasses would make him the perfect eyeglass model for our company,” a spokesperson for LensCrafters told reporters today.
LensCrafters has offered Snowden a deal that would be hard to resist. The company will pay for his first-class airfare from Moscow to Ohio, shoulder all his legal expenses that may result from the espionage charges the U.S. government is preparing to file in court upon his return to the U.S. , and a salary as an eyeglass model that’s twice the compensation he was receiving at the NSA contractor company which fired him.
Snowden said he was seriously thinking about the offer and will make a decision in the next 24 hours. He said he will sleep over it on his sleeping bag at the Moscow airport and will have an announcement about the offer by 9am, Moscow time, right after he has had his cup of Starbucks coffee.
San Francisco, California – People Magazine has reportedly narrowed down to 2 its top picks to grace its much-awaited November issue on the 2013 “Sexiest Man Alive.” Thanks to audio tapes released by an anonymous summer intern at the National Security Administration, the magazine’s choices reached the news desk of The Adobo Chronicles this morning. Many will recall that the NSA had admitted monitoring phone calls of journalists, and that included conversations among the top editors of People. Our sources revealed that the editors are really having a hard time deciding on its No. 1 pick.
For the first time in the history of the annual special issue, the top contenders are a Brit and a Pinoy (slang for Filipino).
Who will it be? Prince Harry of Britain’s Royal Family or Dennis Trillo, the most talked-about television actor in the Philippines today.
Harry, 28, is best remembered for his Las Vegas hotel video in August of 2012, prancing around naked with some ladies he had invited to his hotel room. That incident reportedly generated billions of dollars in free publicity for the Las Vegas Convention and Visitors’ Bureau, but it also killed the popular notion that “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” Dennis, 32, considered by the elite Filipino American gay community in the San Francisco Bay Area, as the most beautiful face on Philippine television today, plays a gay character in the much-talked about television series, “My Husband’s Lover.” This is a highly-controversial show which the Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines had tried many times, but failed, to stop airing. Dennis plays the lover of a closeted gay man who is married with two kids.
People’s editors are reportedly considering putting their dilemma to a popular world-wide Internet vote.
Meanwhile, Queen Elizabeth, taking a tea break from a Royal birth watch at a London hospital – where Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge are expecting their firstborn — told reporters that if Dennis Trillo wins over her grandson, she will graciously confer honorary knighthood to the Filipino actor.
Subic, Philippines – A leaked document from the Philippine Department of Foreign Affairs has revealed secret negotiatons between the United States and the Philippines that could lead to this Southeast Asian country becoming the 51st U.S. state.
The statehood movement, which is not new, stalled in 1992 when street protests by Filipinos eventually led to the closure of all U.S. military bases in the country.
The leak comes in the wake of a recent request from the U.S. government for an expanded military role in the Philippines under the guise of protecting Philippine interests in its ongoing territorial conflict with China. The request would allow American forces to stay in the Philippines for longer periods of time and be stationed at Philippine military bases. Critics have immediately protested the request saying, “The American military forces are already enjoying a tourist visa, now they also want a working visa?”
On the other side of the coin, supporters of the statehood movement say that it only makes sense that the Philippines become the 51st U.S. state, citing the facts that Filipinos already speak English, value the dollar more than the peso (as evidenced by foreign exchange centers in malls and street corners, are addicted to Hollywood movies, and already observe American special days like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. They also pointed out that Filipinos are everywhere around the globe. This, they said, would further boost America’s presence on the world stage.
In a statement from the U.S. Embassy in Manila, it was also pointed out that making the Philippines the 51st U.S. state would significantly reduce the embassy’s workload in processing tourist, work and immigrant visas for Filipinos.