Moscow, Russia – Vodka is to Russia while apple pie is as American as it can get. In recent weeks, many U.S. gay bars have boycotted vodka in protest of the Russian government’s increasing crackdown on homosexuality. This, despite the fact that vodka companies in the U.S. have been supportive of many U.S. gay events , including Pride festivities across the country.
In retaliation, restaurants and bakeries throughout Russia have agreed to ban all sales of apple pie in the country. The news was upsetting to the states of Washington, California, Michigan, Pennsylvania, New York and Virginia, the top six apple producers in the U.S.
The Ohio-based General Mills, makers of the popular baking and pie product line Pillsbury, has not returned calls from The Adobo Chronicles for comment but is reportedlly preparing a media statement to be officially released tomorrow. General Mills is expected to address the issue on whether the Russian boycott of apple pie will affect its business.
Meanwhile, nationwide sales of Coors beer, once the target of a gay boycott, have registered a 150% increase since the vodka boycott was announced.
Wall Street, New York City – Stocks of Mercedes-Benz plummeted to their lowest level ever as the opening bell rang at all trading houses this morning. Listed as Daimler AG , its parent company, Mercedez Benz saw prices drop to under ten dollars per share, compared to its all-time average of almost eighty dollars.
This shocking development for investors came as news of Pope Francis’ trip to Brazil filled the front pages of worldwide dailies and made headlines in broadcast news and the social media. As was widely reported, the Pope continued to refuse to use the bullet-proof popemobile during his appearances in the Catholic country, opting instead to borrow an old Fiat owned by a local Brazilian resident. As a result, the value of Fiat stocks tripled in just the last 24 hours.
Most of the popemobiles used by previous popes were manufactured by Mercedes-Benz, except for the one used by Pope John Paul during his visit to the Philippines in 1995. It was manufactured by the local Francisco Motors, makers of the colorful jeepneys, kings of the road in all of Metro Manila’s streets and highways.
London, U.K. – Reaction to the chosen name of Prince William and Duchess Kate’s first-born was varied — from elation to disappointment.
The Roman Catholic Church could not be happier with the name George Alexander Louis because it combines the names of three kings. It doesn’t matter that the biblical three kings were actually named Melchor, Gaspar and Baltazar. “When people hear ‘three kings,’ the first thing that comes to mind are the wise men who traveled from their far away kingdoms to pay their respects to the newly-born Baby Jesus,” the Vatican said.
Fans of British singer George Michael were disappointed that the royal baby was not named after their gay idol. After all, like the singer, it took the royal baby a long time to come out, the fans said.
Across continents, people named George, Alexander or Louis — and their variations ranging from Jorge to Alejandro to Luis — were celebrating, claiming on their Facebook pages and Twitter accounts that the royal baby was named after them.
Amid all the reaction, an official announcement from Buckingham Palace said that the Prince and Duchess have decided to rescind the name they gave the baby boy after it was pointed out by Royal advisers that George Alexander Louis actually spelled the acronym, “GAL.” The announcement further said that William and Kate would rather have their first-born grow up to be king instead of queen.
And so the world waits one more time. What new name will be picked?