Menlo Park, California – Every single one of Facebook’s 1.11 Billion users worldwide will receive a check for $38. This was announced by Mark Zuckerberg minutes after Facebook stocks closed at slightly above $38 per share last Friday, the first time it reached a level above the initial IPO price since the company went public more than 14 months ago.
Champagne flowed at Facebook’s headquarters in Menlo Park Friday night as managers and employees celebrated this milestone.
Zuckerberg, upon cajoling from his wife Priscilla , decided to share Facebook’s success with all its users. “After all, our users are technically our stockholders,” Zuckerberg said. “Without its users, Facebook is nothing,” he added. Asked whether he thinks this distribution will result in Facebook going bankrupt, Zuckerberg said he was not in the business for the money. “Besides, I am confident that each of our 1.11 Billion users will use their check to buy a share of Facebook stocks. So it will be awash.”
In order to receive their $38 checks, users must post and publicly share their mailing addresses on their Facebook page on or before August 31, 2013. Alternatively, they can post and share their bank routing number and checking or savings account number in order for funds to be deposited electronically to their account.
Moscow, Russia – Russian president Vladimir Putin abruptly cancelled Edward Snowden’s visa, less than 48 hours after the suspected American spy was granted a one-year asylum in Russia.
A spokesperson for the Russian government told reporters that the asylum cancellation came after Putin learned that Snowden is gay and that previous revelations about his dancer-girlfriend Lindsay Mills were a mere cover-up for his homosexuality. Russia recently issued draconian laws to criminalize homosexuality and has stepped up a state-sanctioned campaign to persecute lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender citizens and visitors.
Ironically, the discovery about Snowden’s sexual orientation came about after the U.S. National Security Agency leaked 5 years worth of email exchanges between Snowden and his long-time boyfriend. The documents, obtained by the Russian government this week, showed that Mills is actually a lesbian cousin of Snowden. The NSA leaked documents did not identify Snowden’s boyfriend by name.
It was not clear whether Snowden is in custody or is back at the Moscow airport lounge which was the fugitive’s living quarters for many weeks prior to the asylum order.
Moscow, Russia – As Vladimir Putin’s government continues to come under fire for the recent crackdown on homosexuality in Russia, the Russian president’s lavish lifestyle is also gaining closer scrutiny. In addition to private planes and yachts at his disposal, Putin has 20 palaces to spend time in at his beck and call. One of these palaces is located in Lake Valdai in the middle of the Valdai Hills in Novgorod Oblast, Russia.
Putin spent last weekend in this grandiose palace which has a cinema, two restaurants and bowling alley. Eyewitness reports emanating from the palace’s staff of butlers and chambermaids confirmed that while vacationing at the palace, a surreal incident happened. As Putin was preparing to retire for the evening, he heard some loud music coming from the palace’s cinema. Putin immediately descended the spiral staircase across from his bedroom and entered the cinema which was located on the ground floor of the two-story south wing of the palace.
What Putin saw shocked him. It was a film showing composer Peter Tchaikovsky conducting the Moscow Philharmonic Orchestra. The orchestra was playing music from Swan Lake. As the camera panned to a stage above the orchestra pit, two male dancers were seen pirouetting and crisscrossing the breadth of the huge stage in what was obviously a scene depicting lovers. Putin immediately recognized the dancers: an aging Vaslav Nijinsky and a young Rudolf Nureyev. As the orchestra executed a loud crescendo, the two men kissed and a white transparent curtain quickly dropped in front of the dancers, followed by a text credit projected onto the curtain which read, “Choreographed by Serge Diaghilev.”
Putin, of course, knew that all the characters he saw on the cinema screen, incuding the choreographer, were among Russia’s famous homosexuals. Eyewitnesses couldn’t tell whether Putin was bothered or amused by the homosexual ghosts.
There is no word from Putin or his press corps on whether this surreal experience would change his mind regarding his controversial policy on homosexuality in Russia.