Washington, D.C. – Today, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) disclosed on its website that “something big is about to happen on the sun,” adding that “according to measurements from NASA-supported observatories, the sun’s vast magnetic field is about to flip.”
Minutes after the announcement was posted, NASA’s phone lines became jammed and several of its servers crashed as people around the world sought answers on how this phenomenon, which happens every 11 years, would impact planet earth. The United Nations Environment Programme (UNEP) immediately convened its council members to discuss the NASA announcement, summoning NASA Administrator Charles Bolden, Jr. to New York City.
Bolden said that NASA is still assessing the potential impact of the change in polarity of the sun’s magnetic field. However, he confirmed that the following will definitely occur as a result of this flip:
- The Continental United States and all of Canada will lose their winter, spring and fall seasons. Only the summer season will remain for the first half of each year. The second half will see a hurricane season.
- Hawaii, Guam, Samoa, Tonga, the Marianas, the Philippines and all other islands in the Pacific will lose their tropical weather and will experience winter for eight months of each year, with the remaining four months bringing fall-like weather
- California’s tectonic fault lines will even up, practically eliminating any chance of earthquakes
- Most of Western Europe – but only those countries who are part of the Schengen agreement – will not experience any change in weather or environment
- Environmental changes in the rest of Europe remains unknown at this point
- A few countries in the Middle East will see all their desert sand evaporate
- The rest of the world will see shorter daylights, which will have a heavy toll on their electric consumption
Queried by the UNEP council members if there is anything that countries and governments can do to avert the impending solar flip, Bolden said, “Well, for a start, we can all implore Pope Francis to lead a universal prayer for a miracle. He expressed confidence that the Pope can intercede not only on behalf of Catholics but Atheists and all others who belong to different religions.
Vatican City – The Vatican is enlisting the services of eBay, the Silicon Valley internet auction giant, to dispose of valuable items that Pope Francis has decided won’t have anything to do with his reign as head of the 1.2 Billion-strong Catholic Church. Since being elected pope on March 13, the former Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio has surprised the Vatican Curia with sweeping changes that have signaled a more simple, less materialistic papacy.
Ebay is finalizing the design of a special “Vatican Store” which company executives said will make its public debut on September 1st. Ebay is reportedly providing the Vatican with the auction service pro bono, on the condition that Pope Francis absolve the company of all its past unfair business practices. The Vatican has said that proceeds from the auction will be used to set up a special fund to pay for legal costs in the increasing number of criminal and civil lawsuits the Catholic Church is facing in connection cases of sexual abuse by priests worldwide.
Ebay released the following initial list of papal items to be auctioned off by the Vatican:
- Pure Gold “Fisherman’s Ring” (Pope Francis has chosen to wear a gold-plated silver ring)
- Red Prada Shoes (Pope Francis is keeping his old black shoes)
- Papal Red Cape (Pope Francis has chosen to wear a simple white cassock)
- Pure Gold Pectoral Cross (Pope Francis insists on keeping the iron-plated pectoral cross he used as archbishop)
The Vatican is also considering renting out the papal room at the Apostolic Palace which overlooks St. Peter’s Square (Palazzo Apostolico) to tourists since Pope Francis has opted to live in the Vatican guest house, along with other priests and bishops.
Menlo Park, California – Every single one of Facebook’s 1.11 Billion users worldwide will receive a check for $38. This was announced by Mark Zuckerberg minutes after Facebook stocks closed at slightly above $38 per share last Friday, the first time it reached a level above the initial IPO price since the company went public more than 14 months ago.
Champagne flowed at Facebook’s headquarters in Menlo Park Friday night as managers and employees celebrated this milestone.
Zuckerberg, upon cajoling from his wife Priscilla , decided to share Facebook’s success with all its users. “After all, our users are technically our stockholders,” Zuckerberg said. “Without its users, Facebook is nothing,” he added. Asked whether he thinks this distribution will result in Facebook going bankrupt, Zuckerberg said he was not in the business for the money. “Besides, I am confident that each of our 1.11 Billion users will use their check to buy a share of Facebook stocks. So it will be awash.”
In order to receive their $38 checks, users must post and publicly share their mailing addresses on their Facebook page on or before August 31, 2013. Alternatively, they can post and share their bank routing number and checking or savings account number in order for funds to be deposited electronically to their account.